


there's no need to feel down

by squeezetheday



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-02 23:38:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13328835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squeezetheday/pseuds/squeezetheday
Summary: it's fun to overcome trauma at the YMCA--swim lessons with Lukas and Philip





	there's no need to feel down

 

* * *

 

The idea originally came when Philip was trying to think of something to give Gabe for his birthday next month. Philip wasn’t good at coming up with gift ideas, and he had no money, so eventually settled on going out on Gabe’s boat, and _actually_ going out on it this time. But since the last time he was in a body of water, he was dragging his unconscious secret-boyfriend back from the brink of death, being out on the lake still didn’t fill him with much calm. He’d mentioned it off-hand to Lukas one day, and Lukas had nodded silently, sympathetically, and didn’t say anything, until the next day he showed up at Philip’s house, thrusted his extra helmet into Philip’s hands, and said today was a Day of Learning.

Now, Philip stood in a YMCA locker room in a pair of borrowed swim trunks, learning that his boyfriend could be an asshole sometimes.

The swim trunks used to be Lukas’s, and he said he grew out of them two summers ago but they were the only ones he could find, and Philip wasn’t totally sure he believed that. They fit snugly around his hips, a faded blue with flames along the sides, and the hem of each leg sat higher above his knees than he’d like.

He looked at himself in the mirror. Lukas was already out in the pool, wearing a normal-size pair of shorts. He left Philip to change alone but said if he wasn’t out there in five minutes he’d come looking for him.

They had just been starting to get to know each other when everything went to shit, before. And now, with everything settled, they were finally figuring out how to be regular people around each other. It was a little backwards. Other couples learned what their significant other liked on their pizza before learning what they looked like tied up and gagged in someone’s trunk.

In the last few months, Philip learned Lukas had the worst taste in music (“John  _Mayer? Seriously?_ ”), he put ketchup in his macaroni and cheese (“No, I don’t care, you’re not kissing me until you’ve repented for your sins”), and that he can quote almost every single episode of South Park (“Yeah, okay, some of the early stuff is pretty funny.”). One scary afternoon, Philip nearly broke up with him when he found out Lukas supported the _Yankees,_ but they were finally able to overcome.

He also learned that Lukas liked to be kissed right behind his ears, that if there’s a particularly nice-looking sunset he’ll always point it out to Philip, or if Philip wasn’t around, he’ll text him a picture of it. Lukas was not a morning person but reached peak cuteness when he was rumpled and monosyllabic before class, and whenever he was eating something he’d always wordlessly hold it out to Philip to share without even noticing he was doing it.

Philip stared at himself in the streaked YMCA mirror, at the stupid board shorts, and the old, hairy men shamelessly changing behind him. He took in the clangs and the shrieks and the whistles of a public pool, the overwhelming smell of chlorine that actually was a source of comfort for it. None of his water trauma ever happened in a pool.

He grabbed his towel, and gave himself one last look of half-realized confidence. His boyfriend was thoughtful, in an absolutely terrifying way. The least he could do was try and see it through without passing out.

It took him a moment to find Lukas out in the pool. He was swimming laps in a middle lane, his body cutting across the water sharply, but with grace, in the exact same way he jumped ditches on his dirtbike and in the exact same way he kissed. Philip put his towel down on the bleachers and stood at the end of his lane, waiting for him to finish.

Lukas stopped finally, breathing hard, and lifted his goggles off his face. He gaped up at Philip, saying nothing.

“I thought the most embarrassing thing about this was me not knowing how to swim,” Phillip said. “You look like a condom.”

Lukas touched the white swim cap on his head but didn’t remove it. He didn’t look mad though. He only pouted. “My hair will turn green if I don’t wear it.” He looked Philip up and down. “I guess the shorts fit, huh?”

“ _Barely_ ,” said Philip. “Stop ogling me.” He awkwardly sat down at the end of the lane, letting his feet dangle in the cold turquoise water. Baby steps.

“I’m not ogling,” said Lukas. “I’m inspecting.”

“Yeah, well, this is a step up from a speedo, so I guess I should say thanks.”

Lukas smiled. “You’re welcome.”

It was very hard not grab Lukas by the shoulders and pull him in for a kiss, stupid swim cap be damned. He knew they were being open about their relationship, but there was a fine line between holding hands on the way to class and getting kicked out of a YMCA for public indecency.

“Keep swimming,” Philip said. “I’m gonna get in myself, I don’t need you watching me.”

“Okay.” Lukas put his goggles back on. They were black racing goggles and Philip couldn’t make out his expression at all. “Remember, it’s only four feet deep. Nothing can happen.”

Infants drown in bathtubs all the time, Philip didn’t say. Most drownings at a beach occur in shallow water, where it doesn’t even hit your knees. He just waved Lukas away, wincing at the sudden splash of Lukas’s kicks.

The pool was long, about thirty yards, and Philip genuinely got distracted, watching Lukas swim, so he didn’t move from the pool’s edge until he heard a small voice say, “You should get in like this.”

He glanced down at the lane next to him. A small girl in a purple tutu bathing suit was sitting beside him. She was also wearing a swim cap, except hers was hot pink.

“Watch,” she said. She put both hands on one side of her skirt, turning her body so she was facing away from the pool. She slid in slowly until she was submerged to her shoulders, then kicked off the wall towards a parent waiting for her in the lane. “See?” she called out as she swam away.

“Thanks,” said Philip, because it turned out to be preferable to be looking away from the water when he finally got in.

He stood by the wall, clutching it with both hands in an effort to hold onto something and also to keep as much of his upper body out the water. It was _cold_.

“Nice job!” Lukas splashed up behind him. He stood there, dripping, huge grin on his face. “C’mon, dude. You’re better off just dunking yourself all the way under. The cold water on your stomach is the worst. Here.”

He took off his goggles and put them on Philip, and suddenly the world was tinted black and foggy.

“This doesn’t make things less scary,” said Philip. “Or less cold.”

“I’ll go under with you,” Lukas said easily. “We’re just going under one time, to get you used to the water. When you’re underwater, you like, lose a lot of your senses, so the goggles are a good way to get more comfortable. It’s less freaky when you can at least see.”

Which made sense, in that way Philip's brain couldn't accept. And then Lukas was taking Philip’s hands off the wall, and then he was still holding them, which always made sense to Philip.

“Count of three?” he asked.

Lukas counted, and then he was under, and Philip was going under too. He closed his eyes on instinct, the cold rush of water over his head piercing. But then he opened his eyes and saw Lukas, blurred behind the goggles but close enough to see his serene face underwater, still grinning, his eyes squinting through the chlorine.

Philip wanted to kiss him underwater. It felt cliche. But he did it anyway, only a quick brush of lips before rushing back to the surface with a gasp. They were probably submerged for two seconds at most, but Philip still came up panting.

Lukas came up laughing, his cheeks pink. “Feel better?” he asked.

“Much.” Lukas was still holding his hands.

“Okay,” said Lukas. “We’re not here to teach you strokes, right? Maybe one day, but you don’t need to learn any of that right now.”

“Nah, I’ve gotten pretty good at stroking lately, anyway,” Philip said, eyebrow raised.

The fluorescent lights in the gym and the cold water already made Lukas look extra pale, which in turn made his flush stand out even more.

“Knock it _off_ ,” he said, pulling Philip’s goggles onto his forehead. “You just want to be able to feel safe, right? So you can go in Gabe’s boat without freaking. So the best way to save yourself in any body of water is to float.”

“Float?”

“Yeah,” said Lukas. He waded over to the edge of the pool. “My mom showed me how to do it when I was a little kid. Being able to swim is good, or treading water, but sometimes there might not be anywhere to swim to, or you don’t know how long you could be waiting to be rescued, and swimming and treading can tire you out. But you can float forever.”

Philip watched as Lukas put both hands along the gutter that ran inside the pool. He put his feet up on the wall, so high he knobby knees were sticking out of the water. He looked up at the ceiling, his head resting on the gentle waves of the pools.

“The most important thing to do is relax,” Lukas said. He let go of the pool edge, pushing off gently with his feet, and his whole body stretched out along the surface of the water, long legs akimbo, relaxed with that ease so soft it seemed to shout out to Philip. It was what stuck out to Philip in the first place, what he noticed first about Lukas – just how loud his quiet could be.

“See?” Lukas said, putting his hands beneath his head like he was sunbathing. “Easy.” He stood up easily, too. He blinked a little water out of his eye, smiling still, and Philip had to remind himself yet again about that fine but _firm_ line between real relationship and banned from the local YMCA.

But it _did_ look easy. So Philip turned to the wall and mimicked Lukas’s pose. Except as soon as he let go of the wall he sunk like a stone to the bottom of the pool.

He felt a shocking pain in his face at the same time he felt hands hooking under his arms, and Lukas was pulling him up towards the air, pressed against his back. Philip was too busy coughing to appreciation the closeness, feeling like water had shot into every corner of his head.

“Jesus, Philip!” Lukas pounding him between his shoulder. “Are you okay? Philip?”

“I’m fine,” Philip gasped, coughing one more time. He rubbed at his nose fiercely. “I’m fine. I’m alive. I know, because of all the pain.”

Lukas turned him around to look at his face, inspecting him thoroughly. When he detected all signs of life, right down to the streaming nose and watering eyes, he sighed, dropping a hand on the back of Philip’s neck.

“Jeez, okay. You’re not supposed to _inhale_ the water, man, what the fuck.” He rubbed Philip’s neck once and tugged on his hair curling wetly there. “Blowing bubbles is the next thing we’ll work on, alright? And no, that’s not anything dirty or anything, you goddamn pervert.”

“I am an innocent young boy,” said Philip, already trying to work out how he could get at Lukas’s phone, and change his contact name to _Bubbles_.

Lukas snorted, but then his face went serious again. “Do you want to keep going?”

“Yes,” Philip said immediately, and was only a little surprised that he really meant it. “Only – this time, could you…”

“I’ll hold your head,” Lukas agreed, pulling his hands back. “That’s how my mom taught me. Turn around. You want your goggles on?”

“Nah.” Philip turned, looking out at the bottom of the bleachers, the kids running where they shouldn’t, the slick tiles littered with stray hairs and sports bottles. It was different from his other experiences, which was mostly true about everything that happened with Lukas. Even the water felt different on his skin, lighter, cleaner. It made a difference, he realized as he glanced down, to be able to see your foot beneath the surface, planted firmly on a nearby ground.

Then he felt finger tips cupping the back of his head. “Trust fall,” Lukas said quietly in his ear, humor evident in his tone. “Just let your feet rise up.”

Philip started to fall back, head safely pillowed by Lukas’s palms, and he closed his eyes, again on instinct. He felt his feet drift up to the surface slightly as Lukas walked them backwards.

“Push your stomach out,” Lukas said in his ear. “Relax. Spread your legs and tilt your hips up.”

Philip smiled, eyes still closed, as he followed instructions. “Now, why does that sound familiar?”

Lukas tugged on a lock of Philip’s hair sharply. “You are ruining so many childhood memories for me, man.”

“Sorry,” said Philip said, then he added, “You’re making some of mine better, though.”

Lukas didn’t say anything, just continued walking them back, letting the flow of the water pull Philip’s body upwards. Philip could feel Lukas’s fingers rubbing his scalp in small circles, occasionally feeling a hand drift away from his head so Lukas was only holding him with one before the other returned again and he’d alternate.

“Just relax, dude.” Lukas was slowly u-turning in the lane, carefully making sure Philip’s feet didn’t knock into the hard plastic of the lane lines as they headed back to the shallow end. “But like, don’t fall asleep.”

“I’m not,” said Philip. He felt awake. His eyes were still closed, and the only sound he could hear clearly was Lukas’s voice, hovering right over his ear. Everything else was muted, the echo of the pool area and the splash of other swimmers became as distant as a rainstorm coming down miles away from Helen and Gabe’s house, the thunder and lightning only known if he happened to glance out the window.

His toes breached the surface of the pool finally, and the sway of the water, the hands in his hair, and the muffled noise reminded him of being a boy, half in a dream and mindless of the city still running outside the thin walls of their crappy apartment.

“You doing alright, Philip?”

Philip’s hands hung uselessly at his side, until he reached up with one, careful to keep his balance on the top of the water. “This is easy,” he said, circling one of Lukas’s wrists tightly. He kept his eyes closed, and Lukas kept him afloat.

* * *

 


End file.
